More Flab Than Ab: A LEGO Batman Story
by wildcard23
Summary: During a summer outing, the Joker starts to feel insecure about his body.


It was a lovely summer day in Gotham City, and everyone was headed outdoors for some fun in the sun.

Everyone except the Joker.

Inside his lair, the Clown Prince of Crime had just gotten out of the shower. He dried off his tattooed back and gazed down at his pudgy stomach.

"I gotta lay off the donuts," he said to himself. "I'm getting as big as Oswald". He stepped on the scale: overweight.

He poked at his belly, wondering how he was going to hide it today. It was definitely too hot out for his signature purple suit. Batman already knew the Joker had weak abs, and the psychopathic clown wasn't in the mood to be laughed at by his greatest enemy.

"Harley?" the Joker called his girlfriend. He had wrapped the towel around his waist.

"What's wrong, puddin'?" Harley Quinn asked, speeding into the bathroom.

"Do I look chubbier to you?" asked the Joker.

"Well, let's see," Harley said. She had him turn around so she could look at his belly. "Nope, you look fine to me."

"Then why do I feel so bloated?" Joker wondered.

"You're probably just gassy," answered Harley. "Come on, I want to enter the surf contest."

The Joker quickly touched up his lipstick and eye makeup. He wished he were back in the shower, where no one would care if he cried.

Later, at the beach, Batgirl was busy waxing her surfboard. She was competing in the surf contest against Harley Quinn.

"This look okay, Batman?" she asked her fellow crimefighter.

"Perfect," said Batman. "You're sure to win."

Just then, Robin ran up to Batman. "Padre, can I have some money for ice cream?"

"Sure," said Batman, handing Robin some change. Robin thanked him and ran off.

Meanwhile, Harley Quinn was getting her surfboard into the water. Joker playfully whipped her butt with a towel, making her giggle.

"Good luck out there, honey," he said.

"Thanks, Mr. J," she replied. She joined the other surfers at the starting line.

The Joker was feeling better already. He was wearing a loose blue Hawaiian shirt over his "problem area" so no one could tell he'd gotten heavier.

In his hand was a popsicle. _One little treat won't hurt,_ he thought.

He gazed at Harley from behind his sunglasses. She was doing amazingly in the surf contest. However, Batgirl was fast. He wondered who would win.

The Joker decided to relax in the outdoor pool while he waited for the surf contest to end. He kicked off his flip flops, applied more sunscreen to his bleached white skin, and laid down on his floatie.

Harley ran up to him, a happy look in her eyes. "Puddin', I won the surf contest!"

The Joker grinned. "That's terrific, Harl." He reached over to hug his girlfriend.

He was just about to lay back down when he felt someone bump him. It was Batman.

"Watch what you're doing, Batbrain!" Joker yelled, shoving Batman back- hard.

"Make... some... room!" growled Batman.

"I... was here... first!" seethed the Joker.

"Now boo boo, I'm sure there's room for both of you," assured Harley.

Batman and the Joker continued to squabble and shove each other. Every time the Joker pushed, Batman pushed back harder. The Joker tried to squeeze into the pool next to Batman, until he fell off his floatie and into the pool.

"Are you kidding me?! I just showered!" Joker screamed. His freshly-applied makeup ran down his face in angry tears. He violently coughed up water and growled at Batman. The smudged lipstick and mascara made the Joker look like a bleeding raccoon.

"Sorry," whispered Batman. He glanced at the Joker's wet shirt, which was now clinging to his body.

"I have never been so embarrassed..." the Joker fumed through gritted teeth.

"Oh dear. Here, let's get you dried off," Harley tried to comfort the enraged clown.

"Harley, don't-" The Joker tried to keep his shirt on, but it was too late.

Everyone could see his chubby stomach. Since Harley was the only one who saw him with his shirt off, he was humiliated to have so many eyes on him.

Robin glanced at the Joker's back tattoos. "Uh... nice ink?" he said awkwardly.

But the Joker ran away, crying into his towel.

After his second shower of the day, the Joker sat in his bathrobe on the couch, crying.

"Now everybody knows how gross I look," Joker sobbed.

Harley patted his shoulder. "Sweetie, you're not gross. A little flab is natural".

The Joker grabbed at his bold green hair. "There is nothing NATURAL about how I look!" He cried into Harley's pajamas. "It's all because of that stupid Batbutt always shoving me around!"

"Now honey, what happened at the chemical plant was an accident. I'm sure Bats didn't mean to make you fall." While Harley hadn't met Jack Napier in his Red Hood days, she had heard what happened in the news since that day, and felt bad for him.

"So I'm not fat?" the Joker looked up.

"No, you're just well fed. But if you want to lose weight, start with your core," said Harley.

"Won't that hurt?" the Joker wondered.

"I could help you. I used to be quite the gymnast back in high school," replied Harley proudly.

"Well... okay. But I'll need some sweat-proof mascara," said the Joker.

Laughing, the two pulled each other into a tight hug, and then began passionately kissing. The Joker had been quite abusive to Harley in the past, but they had since gotten along better, and their romance continued to grow stronger.

"You're my sweet lil doll," said the Joker as he gazed into Harley's twinkling eyes.

Smiling, Harley rested her head on her boyfriend's chest while he smoothed down her hair.

A few minutes later, they heard a knock at the door. The Joker opened it. It was Batman.

"What do YOU want?" the Joker grumbled. He blushed, since he was standing there in a purple bathrobe and lime green undies with "HA HA HA" printed on them.

Batman glanced down. "Nice panties." He cleared his throat. "Anyway, I'm sorry about what happened. I should have been more careful. And FYI, I don't think you're fat."

The Joker smiled warmly. That was all he needed to hear. "Thanks, Batsy."

He then remembered that he was standing in his briefs in front of his arch-nemesis. "Well, this is awkward..." He coughed.

"I'm definitely going to need some eye bleach after this," replied Batman. "Well, see ya."

"Hate you forever," said the Joker cheekily.

"You too," answered the caped crusader.

Back at the Batcave, Bruce was busy tucking Dick into bed.

"He really did have cool tats," said Dick.

Bruce smirked. "Yeah, he did."


End file.
